Underneath the Underwear.

Getting to the bottom of our drawers. Image courtesy of Nick Lobeck During our most recent teh tarik session, a male friend, K, took the opportunity to air his long-endured gripe. “Guys, tell me something. Why do women take so long to get dressed? I mean, it’s not just the outer clothes, it’s the underwear as well! Why the hell do they take so long to decide?? I mean, it’s not like anyone can see it anyway!” “And another thing,” he continued, “why so many types of underwear?? Have you seen the variety that they have out there?? I mean, why do women need so many, anyway??” All eyes were on me - as usual, the only female in the group. To tell you the truth, this is not the first time I’ve heard of such complaints. He’s not the only male feeling mystified by the whole thing. In fact, most men I know are perplexed by our need to a) take a considerable amount of time deciding on the right pair to put on that day, and b) have so many varieties in stock. They just couldn’t comprehend why we need so many different cuts and designs, and of different materials, too. Why not stick to just one – aren’t they made for the same purpose, anyway? To which I answered: That’s where you are wrong. You see, women are highly complex creatures. Our needs are extremely complicated - you should know. Whereas men are happy enough with all-in-one, one-for-all items, women are great believers that each item has its own specific use. The same with our knickers. They’re not just plain old panties. There’s the maxi, the midi, the mini, the hikini, the thong, the g-string, the girdle and the boy shorts, as well as the granny, the silky and the sheer, each serving a different purpose, for different occasions. Yes, we literally get our knickers in a twist trying to decide on the right undies, every single time. It normally depends on these two contributing factors: 1) What we’re wearing 2) How we’re feeling. Then, there’s the dilemma involved in every decision-making process. We are usually left with two or more ‘right’ choices before finally settling for the ultimate pair (for the occasion). Case in point: Maxi vs. G-string. On one hand, a maxi is supremely comfortable, and it keeps everything in place, neatly and securely. But, besides being terribly unsexy, it also gives trouser-wearers a VPL (that’s Visible Panty Liner for the uninitiated), which is considered a major fashion crime. A g-string on the other hand, is delicate and sexy, and gives you no VPL whatsoever, but then again, it gives you that distinct feeling of a permanent wedgie, and for those with ample posteriors like yours truly, there’s also the Jiggly Butt Syndrome, where - yes, you’ve guessed it - your jelly buns jiggle uncontrollably every time you move, making your backside look like it is having a mini earthquake of sorts. Then, there’s the question of matching the knickers to the occasion it sets out for, too. If you’re just lounging at home, the matter of whether are home alone or with an interesting company counts a great deal. If you’re going on a date, there’s the matter of whether you foresee coming home alone or with company that night to consider. The guys all looked at me like I’d just given them a brief lecture on nuclear technology. “Fuck!” cried K. “My head is throbbing from hearing all that alone! How are we expected to keep up with all that?” Don’t worry, you’re not expected to, I answered. You are only expected to pay for them - no questions asked whatsoever. ************************************************************************************************************* (Click on the image for a larger view) Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve been wondering about the same thing, too: whether or not he had really gone to that extent in the name of publicity. Well, here’s your chance to find out from the man himself at the book launch this Friday. Yes, a new writer has emerged in the local literary scene. If you’re familiar with Pazuzu and The Floating Turd, you would be familiar with his radical brand of humour. Details of the book launch can be found here, as well as here. And oh, it has also been given a rave review by the great indie filmmaker, Amir Muhammad, which you can read here (and yes, for all Amir’s groupies out there, he’s going to be there, too). And since I’m dying to find out the truth behind that poster, I’ll be going, too. So, I guess I’ll see you all on Friday then. Sink or float, guys. The choice is entirely yours.