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A New Beginning.

Signing off. It was on this date, exactly three years ago, that I started blogging. I didn’t do it for recognition, I didn’t do it to be popular and I didn’t do it to compete with others. And I still don’t. And I don’t think I ever will be. I blog because … well, simply because. Letting some things out in the open is extremely therapeutic and amazingly good for the soul. Even if no one was reading, I would be content enough to just keep on putting my thoughts into words, as it helps me organise my thoughts as well as put things into perspective. Little did I know that this blog would receive quite a bit of attention. It was something that I didn’t hope for let alone expect. To date, there are 78 blogs linking to pretty ugly – God bless your cyber souls. Blogging has been an eye-opening experience for me. I find that in cyberspace, your words can easily be misconstrued, especially by those who don’t even know the first thing about you. I also learnt that some virtual relationships are better left as it is – in cyberspace. Especially that between a reader and a blogger. I also found out, much to my amusement, that there are some pretty disturbed people out there. Like, really disturbed. There are those who don’t really read you, yet feel that they have the right to judge you (thus missing the point altogether) and there are those who don’t really comment, yet feel that they have the right to judge those who do. What can I say, people can be weird that way. One thing’s for certain, I don’t want to start watching what I say for fear of others reading it wrongly, and I don’t want any of my readers to start watching what they say for fear of being unfairly judged or dismissed. Then, there are those who are not welcomed here, whom I feel shouldn’t be allowed free access to my thoughts. Yes, you. Don’t think I don’t know that you have been reading all along. And some of these people make a habit out of putting others down. I don’t know why exactly - perhaps it makes them feel a little better about themselves (Nice try, by the way. But if that’s the best that you can do, then I suggest you try harder next time. And oh, please get yourselves a nice little life, too, while you’re at it. Can’t keep living vicariously through others’ now, can we?). Incidentally, the title for this entry – the last entry on pretty ugly – is the same as the very first entry on this blog. Yes, you heard that right: the last entry. From this point onwards, my thoughts shall cease to exist on a public domain. For the benefit of myself and my valued readers, I have decided to give us some space, away from all these toxicities. A place where we’re free to just be ourselves, and say whatever we want to say. My thoughts and observations on various matters will continue to exist in cyberspace, but on a private domain - and only available to a selected audience. The new place will be ready on the 1st of April 2009, and the URL will be distributed on the day itself, together with the password. pretty ugly will remain public. If you like what you read so far, and would like to read more, do drop me a note, and I might just give you the key. One word of caution, though: Don’t take me for a fool, because I will know if your interest is genuine or if you have some ulterior motive. To all regulars and followers, a heartfelt thanks for your support all these years - rest assured that your name’s on the VIP list, so I’ll see you all later. As for the rest of you, thanks for your time. Yours; pugs.

A Love Note.

Dear Beloved; We’ve been together for four years now, haven’t we? Who would’ve thought we’d weather it this long. When they first saw us together, many have predicted that this union wouldn’t last - that given my track record, I would dump you in no time for another. How wrong they were. This is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew I had to have you. With your cute body and smouldering dark looks, you’ve won me over right away. I wasted no time and promptly set out to find out if you were taken. You were not. I quickly made my move. Remember how cold my hands were the first time we were together? I could barely move – I was so nervous and so scared. But you soon put me at ease. Even when I almost cause irreparable damage to you, you were ever the gentleman, making sure I arrive home that night. But alas, there comes a time when one has to move on. And despite the good times that we’ve had, that time has come for me. I still love you – with all my heart – but my needs have grown. I need another who is able to fulfil my needs better. Therefore, it’s with a heavy heart that I have to let you go. I’m sorry, my love, for I’m left without much choice. But do keep this in mind: No matter what happens, you will always be in my heart. How could I ever forget you? You are my First Love. But sometimes, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. So this is a Goodbye ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Goodbye my old second-hand Kancil ... ... and Hellooooooo my sexy brand-new Viva! Image taken from The Star Online

(Don't) Mind the Gap.

What's age got to do with it? Balance in relationship ≠ balance in age. Not too long ago, the news that broke in the local tabloids was that of a local actress marrying someone 11 years younger. Not too long after that, the local showbiz arena was once again stirred by the news of another local actress seen together with her alleged new beau, 10 years her junior, at her divorce proceedings. Closer to home, my sister in law’s aunt had caused quite a stir a while back when she decided to marry a man young enough to pass off as her daughter’s husband instead. What I found hard to digest was not the age gap involved, but rather the kind of reaction they elicited, which ranged from incredulity to disgust. A friend recently openly expressed her repulsion with this ‘growing trend’. “Eeeeii ... gelinyaaa ... ! Just imagine, he looks young enough to be her son! I mean, why lah? Tak ada jantan sebaya lagi ke dia boleh cari? (Can’t she find someone her age?)” Why not? I had replied. I mean, this is hardly a ‘growing trend’. Our Prophet had married someone 13 years his senior, so what’s the big deal? It is quite sad to observe that this kind of sentiment towards the older-woman-younger-man phenomenon is quite typical and still prevalent in this side of the world, even in this day and age. There’s even a special term here coined for young men who go out with much older women: anak ikan (fry). When an older man gets it on with a much younger woman, nobody bats an eyelid. In fact, more often than not, the man even gets a pat on the back for his ‘proven prowess’. But when a woman gets together with a much younger man, the opposite happens. I don’t know about you, but I have yet to witness anything other than disapproval to that sort of union. If it’s alright for a man to be with someone young enough to be his granddaughter, then why is it not for a woman? Why the double standard? If it’s not incestuous and the man is of legal age, I don’t see where the problem is. What matters is how well they can get along with each other, not how wide their age gap. Not everything out of the ordinary has to have a suspicious element involved, like the man being a social climber or a gold digger, or the woman using some sort of charm or black magic. Besides, particularly after a traumatic separation, when your self-esteem takes a severe blow from the failure of a previous relationship, there’s nothing like a younger man’s attention and affection to pick you up. More often than not, younger men are not only fitter and better looking with more stamina and energy to spare, they are also more attentive to your needs and eager to please - it’s hard not to be flattered by all that adulation. It’s a major ego-booster knowing that you still have it – that even at this age, you’re still able to snag somebody that young despite countless younger competitions out there. On top of all that, many have reported that being with a younger man gives them a giddy, heady feeling not unlike the time when they first tasted love. It makes them feel young again, and so much more alive than ever before. Now, I don’t see what’s so bad about that, do you?

Dreary New Year.

Brand New Year, Same Old Shit. Image taken from The Sydney Morning Herald I recoiled in distaste as I watched the New Year celebrations on the telly. Yeah, yeah, Happy New Year and all. Come to think of it, what’s so ‘Happy’ about the New Year, anyway? You know and I know that the year 2009 is going to be anything but. Where’s the ‘Happy’ in the threat of a worldwide recession, the possibility of more people losing their jobs and the end of humanity as we know it? Pardon me for being the New Year Scrooge, but somehow, towards the end of the year, I lost my high spirits somewhere along the way. Maybe it started when I first read about the latest development in the long-standing Palestinian-Israeli saga, which has managed to put a damper on my mood for the past few days. My heart sank as I trawled the internet, reading one news report after another, looking at the charred remains of civilians immortalised in pixels – some beyond recognition. I looked at each and every one of them, and I felt something tugging at my heart deep within as I thought: Here we go again ... And here we are, being merry without a care in this world. Here we are, who, despite our fortunes, keep on complaining and whingeing about some mundane problem and imaginary woe, forgetting that there are bigger problems out there than the small universe that we’re living in. It saddens me to realise how self-absorbed we have become. And how ungrateful. These people, who are facing real problems and even greater horrors of their existence, don’t even have the time to whinge. How dare we? It saddens me even more that as usual, when such things happen, we just stand aside and watch, without really doing anything to help. Same old, same old. Is this what humanity has come to? Years gone by, but the same old shit remains. When will it end, or rather, will it ever end? I’m not concerned about who is at fault, or who started it first. I couldn’t give a toss about who has the right to do what. What I’m concerned about – and what the rest of us should be – is the fate of the innocents who have to pay for all this. Why should you make someone else pay for the sins of another? Has human life become so cheap that it is used as a currency in a power struggle? As far as I’m concerned, there is absolutely no justification for war and violence, no matter how seemingly sound the reason, period. As I stood on the balcony outside my room, watching the fireworks explode in the sky, I thought about the different kind of fireworks exploding in another sky. I thought about the lifeless bodies of once-beautiful children being carried amidst the ruins by grief-stricken relatives who are trying their best to stay strong as well as alive. As we were jumping around celebrating the turn of the New Year, some people on the other side of the world were jumping around trying hard to stay alive. Some of us aren’t even aware of what’s happening elsewhere. In our excitement to usher in the New Year, let’s not forget to say a prayer for those who may never see the light of another day. It’s the least we can do.

2008 in a Nutshell.

New year, new uncertainties, new hopes. At the moment, I’m lounging on my sofa bed, in my room, listening to Zero 7’s When It Falls album, with a few thoughts running around in my head, willing me to pin one down and tame it into a coherent piece. But seeing that this is my last entry for the year, I think it’s only apt that I reflect on the year that was. Some would say that it has been a bad year all around filled with tragedies and disasters, with a major recession looming on the horizon. But looking at the bigger picture, this is proof that nobody is invincible, and that there are forces greater than the ones in this world that we live in. I think it’s time for us all to stop and reflect on what has happened, as a sort of wake-up call. Maybe we have been lulled into a false sense of security for far too long, so much so that we have all been a little careless of late. Personally, 2008 has been pretty, well, interesting for me. It was one hell of a roller-coaster ride, but it opened up my eyes to a lot of things – things that were unthinkable before – and taught me a lot about myself, others and life in general. I learnt the truth about some people, which were painful at first, but for which I am now immensely grateful, for the truth revealed has not only eliminated the negative elements in my life, but also taught me a great deal about myself - my own strengths and weaknesses, my own capacity and capabilities. No matter how well you think you know yourself, there is always a surprise lurking in the corner every now and then, as people do change from time to time, including your own self. Career-wise, I am finally on the right track. Taking that huge step in changing lanes mid-year has got to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My new job’s going great; it’s been nearly six months now and although I can’t see myself doing this forever, I’m happy enough where I am, and I see it as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. I have finally discovered my forte, and know now exactly what it is that I want to do, in turn strengthening my confidence to venture out on my own, when the time finally comes. During the second half of the year, my faith in others as well as in myself was greatly restored. It was a time of acquaintance and re-acquaintance with a lot of wonderful people, healing and renewing me in more ways than one. Friends will never cease to become of great importance to us, because we gain strength from our relationships with others. We lean on them for support, either when picking ourselves up off the floor or when we feel so weak that we have difficulty standing up straight. This has shown me that all is not lost when it comes to decent fellow human beings; for every dodgy character that you have had the misfortune of knowing, there are five lovely, genuine beings to offset the blow. Ending this year on such a positive note, I do feel truly blessed. And settled, for once. Alhamdulillah is all I can say to that. Yes, things do happen for a reason. As long as you keep the faith, everything will fall into place eventually. God does work in mysterious ways indeed, Wallahu’alam. Last but not least, what would the New Year be without resolutions? This time around, mine would only be this: To do, and be, better. What did 2008 mean to you and what would your hopes for 2009 be? ********************************************************************************************************* pretty ugly would like to take this opportunity to wish all her readers a very fruitful New Year. pretty ugly will be on a two-week break for a much-deserved holiday; posting will resume on Sunday, 4th January 2009. Facebooking activities, however, shall continue as normal.

The Business of Forgiveness.

Not necessarily a bad thing. “Is it possible to forgive without forgetting?” The question above was posed by a friend of mine, Z, over lunch last week. I threw him a look that said: What was that all about? He shrugged. “Just asking. You know when people say they forgive you, and yet, they never seem to be able to forget about what had happened between the two of you. Is that right? Shouldn’t part of the forgiving process be forgetting about what had happened? I mean, how could you completely forgive someone if you can’t forget about what had happened?” Yeah, I said. In an ideal world, in an ideal situation, maybe. He raised an eyebrow at me, “But ... ?” But we’re not living in an ideal world. And our situations are usually far from ideal, I replied. Besides, we’re only human. Human beings are hardly ideal creatures. “So you’re saying that it’s virtually impossible for human beings to forget?” Unless you’re suffering from amnesia or Alzheimer’s Disease, then yeah, pretty much so. “So what’s the point of forgiving if you can’t forget? When you still remember, doesn’t it mean that there’s some sort of a residual effect that hinders you from moving on completely? How could things be okay once more between the two of you, when at the back of your mind, there are still all these residues?” I sighed as I chewed on my pasta slowly, taking some time to digest his words, to think about the issue raised. Well, I finally replied. Let’s put it this way: the way I see it, ‘forgiveness’ and ‘forgetting’ are two different things, separate from each other. You don’t need to do one to do the other. When something happens between two individuals, the dynamics of the relationship is altered, irrevocably. They may decide to kiss and make up in the future, but things can never be the same between them; they can never return to the way things were. Why? Because we tend to remember what has transpired. We may have forgiven, but we may never forget. And that, in turn, will tend to influence future actions or decisions with regard to the relationship. So, no matter how we insist that “all is forgotten”, I guess that residual factor is always going to remain. My point is, I continued. We may not be able to forget, but that doesn’t reduce the quality of the forgiveness altogether. Like I said before, they are two different things. You are able to do one without having to do the other. Forgiveness remains a noble act, which not everyone is capable of doing, whether forgetting is part of the equation or not. You talk about moving on. But in my opinion, moving on has got nothing to do with one’s ability to forget. Sometimes, remembering can help to accelerate the process of moving on. And a relationship can still move on even with all that history behind it, albeit to another level, or in a different direction. But then again, this is just from my cynical point of view. I could be wrong. There may be some out there who are actually able to forget completely, God bless them. After we had said our goodbyes, on my way back to the office, I thought about that time when I had bumped into an ex. Despite things ending rather sourly between us 15 years ago, we were genuinely pleasantly surprised upon seeing each other for the first time in years. When we met up for coffee after work later that day, we were able to talk about what had happened between us all those years ago with no resentment whatsoever. I still haven’t forgotten what had happened back then, but somehow, over the years, I had gotten over the whole episode and forgave him. Although I could still remember every single detail like it had happened only yesterday, I find that I no longer hate him as much as I did back then. Yes, I thought as I got into the lift and pressed the button to my floor, it is definitely possible to forgive and move on without forgetting - when the bitterness is no longer there. I guess forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting, but has everything to do with the kind of residual load that you still have on you from back then. For you can never truly forgive where there is still leftover bitterness.